I have a girlfriend (A) that I've been with for a very long time, lived with for a long time, and love. I can't imagine not being with her, we've been together that long.
However, recently I've met someone and become really good friends with her (B). A lot of my time is spent thinking about her or how to talk to her more or get her alone.
I'm pretty sure she doesn't see me in the same way at all, and just as a good friend.
I haven't done anything, but I am pretty overcome with guilt about even thinking about this stuff.
I'm also almost certain saying or doing something to progress things with (B) is a terrible idea, for a lot of reasons, but at the same time I can't get over it. How can I get over it anon?
Let me know if I should provide more details or if any clarification is needed.
Worry not friend. This just one of the many phases of youth. The real question isn't how do you prevent such thoughts, but rather the true meaning behind these thoughts.
Question why you feel the way you do about B. What causes you to be consumed by her presence? Lack of excitement or lack of variety in a relationship can lead to promiscuous fantasy as a yearning for something fresh. Many couples experience it and you should not be afraid or ashamed of ou instincts warning you of future danger.
Good luck amigo. You haven't committed any thing unworthy yet, but merely experienced a warning
wtf is this?! You didn't lambaste OP for being a shitty person.
Pretty solid advice though. A lot of people will say thoughts are just as bad as actions but you're only human OP. Do what this guy said and do some introspective thought into things.
Thanks for replying anon, feels better even to write things down.
>Worry not friend. This just one of the many phases of youth.
I guess I could still be considered young? I'm mid-20s
>What causes you to be consumed by her presence?
She basically has a lot of qualities that I wish I had myself, and is generally friendly, happy, smart and almost exactly my type.
In a lot of ways she's basically my girlfriend but better in some ways and worse in a few others.
I think part of it is also to do with how busy my girlfriend is with work, and never really seems to have time for me. Though that does sound pretty selfish now I actually think about it.
>You didn't lambaste OP for being a shitty person
I definitely feel like one though, not even necessarily that I'm betraying anyone (though I do think that from time to time) but I'm pretty sure my girlfriend wouldn't be thinking these things about someone else.
>do some introspective thought into things.
I appreciate the advice, but this generally makes me pretty depressed and feel pretty guilty. Though I know it's probably for the best.
Like I mentioned in the previous post, she doesn't really seem to have much time for me lately, and is always tired from work.
When I say a long time, we've been living together for >6 years. I've been considering proposing but a lot's been going on recently and it's difficult to plan.
I'm pretty happy with the relationship in general, like it's not as if she's cheating on me or ever been a crazy bitch or anything. That's mainly why I tend to feel so guilty.
Again, thanks all of you for replying, I was almost certain nobody would and even just replying to questions makes me feel a little better.
I would work out things with your girlfriend, and decide whether you're truly happy with her or not. Whatever you do, don't be a pussy and break up with her before you cheat on her.
>thoughts are just as bad as actions
Obviously, intrusive thoughts are nothing to worry about. However, the way that OP is heavily lingering on these thoughts about the other woman is detrimental to his relationship.
I'm not sure how I'd go about that though anon, it's not like there's anything I can really say is definitely wrong with the relationship, I'm not even sure how I'd approach the subject, and even thinking about it makes me pretty nervous if I'm honest.
I definitely don't think I'll be breaking up with my girlfriend, but at the same time I don't really think I'd even cheat on her.
It's not really as much of a sexual thing, it definitely feels like although I want to, I'd be happy just telling (B) how I feel and spending more time with her, generally just being with her.
That sounds super gay now I write it out but there you go. Kind of goes without saying that as well as all that I'd definitely want to have sex with her, but it definitely seems like a secondary concern. I think that's probably the part that scares me the most.
Without going off on too much of a tangent, do you all think it would be a good idea to tell (B) about this in terms of trying to steer the conversation towards us trying to spend less time together?
Or would trying to avoid her in general be a good idea? It definitely feels like something I don't want to do, but I don't know if that would just make things worse.
I feel like directly talking about it with her would be mega awkward (as a girl imagining how I'd feel if I were her). I'd just avoid her and gradually put up a wall. Because your girlfriend is more important.
Got it. I think you're probably right anon.
She tends to say things like "You're one of my favourite people" and "You're so great" to me all the time, so it feels like we're really close, but you might be right in that it would be awkward.
>You're one of my favorite people
This is something my boyfriend and I say to each other when we feel like being cutesy to each other. "You're my favorite!" If I were your gf and stumbled upon, say, a text from her to you that said this, where you reciprocated the same, I'd be pretty upset.
>You're so great
This is something that seems strange to me in the context of friendship.
I dunno, it just sounds like B is romantically interested in you at least a little bit. Seems dangerous.
This is definitely what makes me think it too, but I don't know if she's just generally affectionate to people in that way.
She definitely doesn't seem to go out of her way to spend time with me, or talk to me alone, as well as that there's a few times when she definitely has seemed to think of me as just a friend.
It's very confusing but you're right in terms of it being dangerous. I like to think that I have enough restraint that if something were to happen I wouldn't act on it, but I've never been in a situation like this before.
She even once said "you mean so much to me" and I didn't really know what to say.
Mixed signals like that can be pretty confusing. I would try to test her intentions by bringing up how great and awesome your gf is when the two of you are alone.
Does she seem jealous? Does she look sad?
Basically just let her know, indirectly, that you are not available.
It's interesting you should mention that since I have previously, and her reactions were just pretty neutral. I was trying to figure out how she reacted but I just couldn't get a read at all.
She was in fact asking about my girlfriend, and what she does etc, but it seemed like more making conversation than anything else, especially due to the lack of reaction.
I think in general >>16662234 is right about trying to avoid her (which is actually quite difficult), although I do think potentially explaining to her how I feel about things might help, just since there are so many mixed signals.
Also to note, even if it's super awkward afterwards and during, I feel as though even if I lose a friend as a result, it's a better result than putting my relationship in jeopardy.
I think I'm probably going to go to sleep in a minute since it's pretty late, but thanks again everyone for your replies.
I'm still not entirely concrete on what to do, but your advice really has helped.