Ok. Deep breath. So, I'm 26 and still a virgin. I've gotten women into bed before, but cannot get it up due to an overpowering sense of shame, embarassment and awkwardness.
Been figuring out why for over a decade, and this is what I've come up with.
Mom was very nice and comforting, but had a victorian attitude towards sex- never talked about it, acted as if it was a non-issue. Whenever she *had* to, she spoke to me like I was a 5-year old, all 3 conversations were wrenchingly awkward to the point where I just nodded along, hoping to get out of there asap. Hence embarassment/awkward.
Sister was a teaser; whenever anything remotely sexual came up, or even a kissing scene in a film, she would turn to me with this fucking smirk like she was expecting me to do do something hilarious. All I could to was cringe and turn away. Also made fun of me when made female friends at age 7 and kissed one of them. Hence shame. We were young, so I can't really blame her for being a normal sibling and teasing me, but I never had anyone in my life to tell me sexual stuff/feelings were ok and not to be ashamed (dad left when 5, drunken sloth whom we never spoke to).
Then, when age 11, stayed at a trusted friends house. He was 2 years older than me, and we had been best friends since I was 6. We had to sleep in same bed because small house. We top and tail, so I have full view of him and can't really turn away. So, he puts a porno on when parents are asleep. Lesbian thing with racist caricature characters, pretty hardcore. I have zero idea what this even is, but it's affecting me. Dem shame-associated tingly feels in penis. Friend pulls out penis, starts jerking it. I have no idea why he's doing it, but I can kind of sense that this is something big, as in a part of life. Confused as fuck, no idea where to look or what to do, face feels like it's being boiled.
He turns over porn before he's done to a movie, and puts dick away. It's a horror movie, which I loved at that age. Yay, something familiar that I like! It was the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre, which I'd not seen before but heard of. Anyways, Right at the end of the film, where Leatherface is swinging his chainsaw around and chasing the survivor, my friend pulls his dick out and starts jacking it again. Bear in mind I don't even know what an erection is at this point in life. Feel SO fucking confused, like I can kind of sense this is wrong, but he's my best friend, so maybe it's normal? Should I start doing this to Aliens or Predator? Does it feel good? FUCK??!!?!!
He finishes on sheets, doesn't clean up. Tells me wanking is natural, I shouldn't be afraid of it.
My entire view of sex is screwed up for my entire life. The bar of normality has been set- for most people, it's normal sex. But for me, normal sex feels wrong, because embarassment/shame. This is now what feels vaguely ok, but I still know somethings wrong.
I have never recovered to this day. Cannot have emotional intimacy on any level, even friendship. Never had girlfriend. Jesus fucking christ, how do I get over this?
Any ideas? Please? Or even similar experiences, I'd take empathy over nothing. Fuck.
All of this is normal. You weren't touched funny, you just had some goofy shit happen to you.
There is no shame in sex. Your mom is just stupid, your sister is a brat, and your buddy is a horndog. Sex is one of the most natural things a human can do.
I suggest, in the moment, telling a girl that you want her to teach you sexual things. You just need a few good sexual experiences and you will be fine
Its really fucking amazing how years of shit can melt away when open up to the right people. Not us fuckers, but the right person. Dont stress on sexually impressing the girl. Thats actually not hard if you make an effort to get her off and talk about what works. But gind a girl you like, and when you start getting intimate, talk about how you got some probloms. Doesnt have to b like right before fucking, but in any intimate convetsation. Once its on the table, working past it wont b so complicated. Also a better job or cheaper pad may b a good idea......:/
Believe me, I'd love to do that. Unfortunately, I can't get it up when other people are in the room. Guess I should expand on the fucked up part: ever since the Chainsaw Massacre thing, it's driven me into some fucked up porn. Furry since 13, BDSM since 15, CBT since 18. Weird part is, I know how fucked up this is, but I keep coming back to it because what else can I do?
Honestly, I'm tempted at this point to go to Amsterdam with some viagra, some condoms and £500 and just get losing virginity over with. But would that fuck me up even more? I don't know how else to get over it. Should I just accept being alone for the rest of my life? How do I tell someone all this and still expect them to want to be with me?
>Should I just accept being alone for the rest of my life?
Fuck no! Bro, you are just into kinky shit now, and you have a few insecurities. That's ok, it's pretty normal.
If you like furry shit, met some furry people. If you like bdsm, meet some bdsm people. As long as you are being safe and healthy, explore your sexuality.
If you have enough types of freaky sex, regular sex becomes a 'taboo' at some point. It might be a turn on.
Explore your sexuality, and don't be afraid to go limp or whatever. It's not the end of the world. Be upfront with your partners and they will help you out. I see a bright, jizz filled future ahead.
Welp, drunken loser needs some sleep. But I'll keep on this thread because I'll take anything I can get right now. Thanks, and thanks again, to anyone who replies, and all who have. This is the first (technically second, but that was like a week ago?) time I've spoken about this stuff, and it feels so good to know there are people who aren't repulsed by the real me. Thankyou all, you based anons.
Golly, I wish I could relate to you. With me, I have somewhat similar situation. I started the whole porn watching thing far too early, someone stamped it in face, like you, and it's driven me to become someone I never thought I'd be. It gets worse though, as everything originally a taboo has just become normal to me, and I find it impossible to look at women without their sexuality becoming apparent, and then my awkwardness hits in. I crave advice as much as you do. Talking to people, let alone girls, just gets harder, the more you think. I just work a crappy retail job and hope that one day I'll get something back.
What is CBT?
And I had all of that happen to me, plus my dad grabbed my dick one time when he was drunk, but I repressed that memory for a long time. I've never had trouble getting it up. Sounds like you've "built a case" as to why you can't get it up.
I'd advise professional help, but since you can't afford it I'd say journal about your anxiety every day and just try to fucking relax. Like just let go of all the worry. Easier said than done, good luck m8.
You need a couple good layings to get your head unfucked. Start by remembering that you're no worse off that anyone else. The problem is that you have abasic little insecurity, which loads of people have to some extent, everyone is terrified of being bad in bed. Yours, though, is compounded by a huge self feeding ball of shame, guilt, and anxiety. Don't fight that shit head on, it's got years of experience kicking your ass. Come at it sidelong and get rid of the insecurity. Don't think about the problem itself, just remember generally how sex works. If you've got the chick in bed naked, she's already said yes.