I am depressed. I've been like this for the last 3 years. I started therapy recently and I'm trying to fix it. I have been with my boyfriend for 7 years. Our relationship has been great even when I was feeling down.
He is criticizing me a lot, lately. He keeps telling me that I am not "helping myself". I spend a lot of time in bed, I'm not cleaning the house enough, I don't really want to go out or see my friends, or meet new people. I really can't stand his criticism right now, I am very vulnerable and it makes me feel so worthless. I know he's not wrong, and I wouldn't even be mad at him if he left me because I am not the person he fell in love with. I can't get myself to do those things, tho, even if I try. Social interactions make me feel tired. And I don't care about my life enough to clean, eat well, or do the things I love.
How do I make him understand how depression feels?
I think he's right and wrong at the same time. If you're depressed the worst thing you can do is nothing. Spending the day in bed is bad for you even if you have no energy. You'll just keep doing it and drift further away from responsibility. Depression is something that needs to be actively fought, not appeased. You don't get better with complacency and laziness.
At the same time I can relate. I've been severely depressed for a while and I kind of gave up after a long history of trying to beat it. That's why I think it's important that you don't stop doing things that are generally just taking care of yourself. Even if they are small things.
Nobody understands how it feels unless they've had it. You should probably communicate about how you feel with him if his words are hurting you. But taking care of yourself is a way to start getting better and to start to feel like your life is worth something. Doing the same thing all day everyday isn't and your boyfriend is right.
>i know hes not wrong
>how can i make him cater to me anyways
this is what you are asking. we cant give people a pass to just check out of life because they are depressed. if that was the case, we would all just claim to be depressed and live comfy in bed all day.
you might be 'diagnosed' but unless they checked your actual brain chemicals the diagnosis means nothing. most of the 'symptoms' of depression are actually the cause, so refusing to do something because you are depressed is like eating junk food because you are fat.
right now you are a burden to him, and its been three years. you think its fair for him to have to take care of you for three years? love does have a limit, and you've more than pushed it.
if you arent mentally stable enough to take care of yourself, you are not stable enough to be in a relationship. either fix yourself, or leave him be.
I don't like reading about it all the time, because it kinda hammers it in, doesn't it? Think positive thoughts instead, tell yourself you're not depressed, and avoid reading posts about depression all the time and people who keep writing/talking about it.
>Depression is something that needs to be actively fought, not appeased. You don't get better with complacency and laziness.
I have been honestly spending all my time in bed without doing nothing for 3 months.
Over the last 2 months, since I started therapy, I am trying to improve things: I clean something every day, I take care of my appearance. This month I decided that I want to start eating regularly.
I know it's not much, but it's a huge progress for me and being "functioning" is extremely tiring. When I have time off I just want to lay in bed and ignore everything. I am trying to not do it, but it is so fucking hard.
I don't know if this makes any sense.
I guess that he misses the "old" me, the girl he fell in love with. Active, straight A student, curious, extrovert, always well dressed, tidy. I am far from that, obviously, even if I am trying to get back to that.
It's caused by something in my life. I lost my best friend. Two family members were really sick and I had to take care of them. Then a friend of mine killed herself. And at the end I had serious health problems.
I managed to keep things going for 2,5 years even if I was feeling depressed, because I had many responsibilities, but these last 6 months I totally let go and I couldn't get out of the bed.
I am not trying to justify myself for my depression, but I can't do much more than therapy and trying my very best to fix stuff.
I know I have been a burden for him and I am not stable enough for a relationship. I told him to break up with me if he doesn't want to deal with my bullshit while I am solving my problems, but he wants to stay.
>im trying my very best to do stuff
ur clearly not if you arent doing all this shit cuz u have no energy. i mean fuck think about how shitty life is out there for other people and how they keep going just to survive. because they have to. im not saying you arent allowed to be sad about it, but i am saying you arent allowed to let it control your life. thats the difference between you and someone stable.
it doesnt matter how tired you are, you gotta do the stuff you know will fix the problem, or at the very least maintain your life. its literally a choice. no matter how hard it is, its still a choice.
so either do it, or break up wtih him. dont say he has to break up with you, cuz thats making him the bad guy and you the martyr who got dumped because you were depressed. you only make him feel more shitty by forcing him to be the one to pull the plug on you.
i mean think about the logic.
>break up with me if you can't deal wiht my depression
no matter which way you word it he will seem like a jerk for breaking up wiht someone because they are depressed.
What does the first part of your post even mean? Do you even know something about depression?
I don't feel sad, I just don't feel anything. I am constantly tired. I can't concentrate on anything.
I have a job. I dropped med school to take care of my loved ones, but I want to go back as soon as I am stable enough.
I am trying to fix the problem, with therapy, but it's not instantaneous and it will take time for me to be fully functioning again.
He is the only person, beside my parents, who knows that I am depressed. I would never say anything bad about him, hate him or be mad at me if he dumped me because he has every reason to. I am not the person that I use to be, and I don't want to pretend that I am okay with the person that I love most. I am very thankful for all he does for me. This doesn't mean that when he criticizes me it doesn't hurt like hell.
>do you even know something about depression.
yes. just because i have a real world view doesn't mean i dont know 'something' about depression. you think you're the first person to be depressed? the only?
its ironic really that you would assume I don't. people who beat depression would know more about beating it than someone like you who wallows in it.
>its not instantaneous
>just three years in so far
it doesnt need to be instantaneous. its depression. you just need to be able to function like an adult. no, being depressed does NOT give you a pass to not be a functional human being. you cant expect anyone, let alone the world to cater to you until you 'become stable' again.
>i dont want to pretend im okay with the person i love the most
no ones telling you to pretend. a depressed person is capable of cleaning or going outside and 'trying'. its not pretending to be okay. its making points to try and bring joy back in your life.
>that doesnt mean that when he critivize me it doesnt hurt like hell
never said anythign for or against htat. im just saying you cant FORCE him to be the one to end the relationship. even if you didnt mean to, it manipulates him into being forced to stay. no one wants to break up with someone because they are depressed, it makes them feel like they are abandoning someone who needs their help.
but ur clearly helpless. so do him a favor if you REALLY love him and break up
The only thing that made me feel better was action. Not wanting to do shit but doing it anyway. Then you start feeling good because you're getting shit done and people like you. Talking only made it worse for me, as it was time wasted that could've gone towards action.
It takes a LOT of effort for me to function like a normal adult, but I do. Having a normal life is exhausting, but I have a job, I clean my house (even if it is not magazine worthy as it used to be), and I take care of myself. I go out with my friends when they ask me, but I don't want to and it pisses me off most of the time. I am not meeting new people, and I ignore every new person I meet. When I get home, I just want to lay in bed. Which is something I didn't do before, because I was full of interests, active, outgoing, etc.
I am not asking someone to pay for my bills, clean my house, cook my food, while I am laying in bed thinking about how miserable my life is. I just lost the spark and I don't find living interesting.
He says he is happy with me, and wants to stay with me. As I said in the OP,
>Our relationship has been great even when I was feeling down.
We had a lot of pleasant moments, travelled, laughed a lot, had a ton of sex, did some interesting experiences and I made him happy. I just was forcing myself to give him what he needed, because I love him, but he is not unhappy with me. He hates seeing me depressed, but I don't want to lie to him anymore.
Breaking up has never been an option, and he wants to be with me. When we talked about my depression, I just told him that if it was too hard for him to be by my side through this he could leave, and we could get back together when I'll be feeling better. He told me that I am a fool for even just thinking so and that he loves me. I don't understand why I should make him sad and break up with him.
>The only thing that made me feel better was action.
I tried to do it for a while, but it doesn't work for me. It goes well for a while, then it just starts feeling like shit again as soon as something doesn't work. Therapy is doing good so far, and I am being more motivated. It will take time, but I'm positive. Thanks anyway :)
>When it goes like shit, you realize it, and start doing shit again. It's that simple.
Yes, but I feel like I am ignoring my problems to get shit done, and when some external cause stops me from doing shit I get back to my problems.
I prefer solving the problems that cause my depression instead of solving the symptoms, if it makes any sense. I know I have to work on some aspects of my life, and I have a lot of stress and anger and grief to deal with. Therapy is truly helping me with that.