How do you become less sensitive about things? I've only been in a few relationships despite being 26 and each time it falls apart I feel absolutely crushed, lost and alone. Granted, I haven't had the best luck with guys but I hear other people going through the same thing and while they are sad, it doesn't crush them the way it crushes me.
I think I'm a good and giving person and I tend to give too much in relationships. Because I haven't had many, I usually lose myself and give too much to the wrong guys and then get left with nothing but a big hole in my heart. It could be because I've never been close to my family and I'm a pretty lonely person.
My question is, do you just harden up over time and it gets easier or is there something you can do to become more easy-going?
Sounds like you need to emotionally distance yourself some. You can't fall madly in love and still be ok when a break up happens.
If you are the emotionally dependant type it might seem absurd or terrible, like that goes completely against love and what not. But you can't have both the highs and save yourself the lows.
I think it might be unresolved abandonment issues, or just lack of experience. When the relationship ends and the other person moves on it seems absolutely heartless to me to treat someone who was supposed to be important to you like a stranger. I guess because I get into relationships rarely and choose carefully, I think it must be special but other people are less sensitive/naive and don't see it like that. They find it easy to move onto the next person while I gave my everything and can't.
I just wonder if I'll mellow out once I have more relationships under my belt or if this is what I'm like.
>to treat someone who was supposed to be important to you like a stranger
Thats one of the incredible absurdities in the way we find mates in our culture isn't it?
To me a truly great friend is no less important or close as a lover, just in a platonic way. It usually would take incredibly extreme circumstances for such friends to cut contact entirely. Yet regarding former lovers/mates this behavior is normal, expected. Despite our society telling us these are the most holy and valuable type of relationships.
It's probably what you're like and it's not a bad thing. You are crushed because you cared about them, that's a good thing when the right guy finally comes along but you just have to kind of suffer these things until then.
-T. guy who feels the same.
You should never change who u are for anyone no matter how lonely u get.belive me it's better to be alone with nobody then to feel alone with somebody, cuz that hole of sadness turns to resentment which leads to anger which can truly turn u into something u never thought u would be.
you have to learn to love urself enough to set standards on how they treat u.know that if at all they show no intention of treating u as u deserve then be strong enough to call bullshit for when u see it.Cause it's going to be trial and error and ur either gunna learn or ur gunna hurt. trust me I was lonely to but being lonely is nothing compared to giving all that u have to someone and have put urself out to be hurt time and time again.
I mean I get that it's easier this way. I don't really want to see them with their new partners but if the relationship ends abruptly, I feel like you need time to come to terms with the new situation. When the other party moves on easily and becomes cold it really hurts. I don't think they never cared about me but it's so easy to forget for other people.
But I guess you need to feel the pain to let go. I guess they know what kind of a person I am and that I would be extremely difficult for me to let go. Still hurts like a bitch though.
I hope so. I'm just afraid I'll harden to the point that I can't give my all anymore.
you don't get more easy-going, you get to be more realistic and less naive. coming from someone who's only willing to date people they could see marrying, and someone who's gotten crushed most of the time
>I hope so. I'm just afraid I'll harden to the point that I can't give my all anymore.
This terrifies me as well, or meeting a girl who was once like you but has hardened as a result and is never able to fully love me like she loved her previous boyfriends.
her question in the end is about changing herself by hardening up or just waiting either way can be a big change.the change I don't want is the part where the hole on the heart fills woth resentment and bitterness which will happen if she doesn't realize that before she can make anyone happy she has to be happy woth herself,which Believe me is a process
I wish I could do casual dating like everyone else.
I don't know, I think that if the right people meet they would eventually learn to open up again. And was it really love if it was mostly one-sided and ended in heartbreak?
I see what you're saying. If I didn't latch onto these people and how they make me feel then the fall wouldn't be as bad.
>I can't give my all anymore.
Theres two sides to this:
Firstly, yes. It is possible to grow bitter enough where you truly become incapable of real intimacy. This however, is a very long way from where we are right now.
More importantly however, this is an issue of priorities. Is infatuation, "giving your all" really to you the most important part of love and companionship? You can develop deep and meaningful relationships with people without losing sight of reality.
I believe, infatuation is in many ways like jealosy. The fact that you are incredibly jealous of something doesn't always mean you actually value it for what it is. In the same way, infatuation isn't a direct sign of love. It's more about how the person in question approaches romance.
TL:DR : Falling head over heels in love doesn't actually signify that the relationship is any more pure or meaningful than a more realistic approach. Intoxicating escapism yes, but not the be all end all.
Yeah I completely understand. I realize that due to my inexperience I tend to think that once I let someone close it must be special and we can grow together. That's pretty stupid and unrealistic. I just didn't want to spread myself around and hoped I could avoid heartbreak and a lot of relationships. I stayed with my first boyfriend who was hopelessly selfish for over 6 years and tried to make it work.
When I think about my last relationship, I realize we were very different people but he kept telling it will all be okay. Until he let go and move on suddenly. I guess it's just the overwhelming feeling of being abandoned.
guys love a girl that give them space.i know it sounds bad but the opposite can be worse especially for guys because commitment is a scary thing for most guys.the more u push on to move forward the more we feel to back off.i grantee that the next go at a relationship treat it like it is a start, take things slow,don't talk about the future, let him look for u, and most importantly keep urself busy doing thing that make u happy.
Yeah I know, this is how I treated this last one. I wanted to take it very slow and not get too attached. I was happy with for what it was but he's the one who kept pulling me in more and more. Maybe I did get too clingy in the end and scared him away but I made it very clear how I feel from the start so I guess I feel angry at me for treating me with such carelessness. I think we were both at fault.
I just don't know how to act next time. i guess I should stand my ground even if the guy seems super into it.
The only advice regarding that I can give is a very personal one.
Never get caught up in regret. In our memories all of our mistakes are clear and the solutions or ways how they could've been avoided seem so simple. But in reality theres no other way but to live and learn. Even in the most toxic relationships are an experience to take something from. And pain, no matter how bad, is fleeting.
Thats how I try to view things. Make even the worst experiences lessons. This way they hold their own value, instead of just these things i regret.
Yeah, especially when you would have been willing to work on things but the other person wasn't. I know this was an important experience and my future relationships will probably be better and more real but it still hurts a lot