Need some help with this delicate issue.
Her: I love him a lot (that's me), but I have tinglings for you so I'm confused.
To another guy. What do
I'm living with my GF of 5y and we're doing pretty well, I love her to bits.
In the past we had a few arguments about a guy she was calling and texting also in the middle of the night (red flag). So I told her to not contact him again and she went ballistic. I know that later on she was still in contact with him though less and less since he moved abroad. However recently (2 weeks ago) I discovered she was texting him again A LOT. More than she ever texts me. So I was scrolling in her phone and found:
Her: I love him a lot (that's me), but I have tinglings for you so I'm confused.
Which she had sent to him.
So now I don't know what to do. Do I confront her and tell her I don't want her to talk to this guy anymore? Which will effectively ruin the relationship since she will say she can't trust me anymore because I went through her phone. Or do I talk to the guy? Or is it all lost.
Thanks in advance.
How's the sex? Declined in frequency or quality lately?
Don't bring it up. Quit going through her shit. Work on making her happy and she won't stray.
It's fucking dumb how most guys react to their woman being interested in somebody else, like she's your goddamn property. If you can make her happy then she'll stick with you. Don't give her a reason to leave.
Take her someplace nice
Eat that goddamn pussy like it's your last meal
Tell her you're lucky to have her
This shit isn't hard!
A big fight, her not talking to the guy and +3years on the relationship.
But maybe you're right.
I'm just thinking that if she feeds this long enough she might actually leave me for this fucker.
She's not feeding it.
You're the one feeding it.
People stray from relationships because there is something they aren't getting from the one they're in.
For her, she obviously misses that butterfly in your stomach early romance bullshit.
If you are more worried about her leaving than making your woman happy, then you should just let her leave dude.
Lol what an idiot. Are you delusional? That's so one-sided it's not even funny. In fact, two of the things you said, if doing that on a constant basis, is borderline beta. Either a failure of a man or a woman posting.
Yeah, I get it dude, dominate your bitch and then when she is sick of your shit then just alpha up even more and become single. How long do your relationships last, Mr. Big alpha male?
This is retarded. He went through her phone because it became obvious he couldn't trust her, and was then confirmed by what he found. It's not about being property, it's about being betrayed by the one person who you should have been able to trust.
Your entire post is idiotic and I hope it's obvious to people that it should be disregarded.
Yes. It's very simple. Humans are creatures of tendency. Some can break the habits, she obviously can't. The fact that she can tell this guy these things is her undermining your relationship despite having been together for five years. Yes, she's missing something from the relationship. Sometimes there's no pleasing people within reasonable expectations. Sometimes there's no pleasing them at all because they're not into monogamy. Either way, unless you're actively sabotaging your relationship, you're about as responsible for this happening as you are responsible for getting shot by a stray bullet from 2 miles away walking down the street to get your mail.
If she thinks this is ok, which she apparently does, I wouldn't be too surprised if other forms of cheating were justifiable to her. Unless things drastically change, you'll be the one getting burned up in the end while she'll be off with someone else. You can play the game with the odds against you or cut your losses right here. Having made the mistake of gambling these things with my ex fiancé, now I know to do the latter.
What I'm guessing is that she's looking to get that excited feeling back. She's for example saying that she dreamt of him, asking if he's dreamt of her.
Also he's saying sexually related things when she goes to a tanning salon that he wouldn't mind watching etc. etc.
If this is what she's looking for then I doubt that I could give her that excited feeling because we've been together for so long.
wow dude, not realizing that a relationship is something that takes work, and that people will eventually stray because the relationship begins to suck, you have a very one dimensional view of things
That second response wasn't from me. However, it's not about being alpha, it's about not having people walk over you and not having to be his/ her majesty's slave to merit their loyalty and attention.
You're either a privileged female or a guy whose idea is that all women are angels and that men are to blame for any and all mishaps and probably self-deprecate when your relationships fail.
If not being someone's bitch is qualifying as being alpha, then sure, I'll take the compliment.
Not him, but I have experience with this. The exact same thing happened worth me and my ex. She was giving off big red flags, I went through her phone and confirmed my suspicions.
When I confronted her, it turned into a big fight, and she would turn it around on me going through her phone. Then this whole cycle kept continuing. I regret not breaking up with her the first time I discovered hey infidelity, but love can make you blind and do stupid things.
I'm married to a wonderful woman now, and I look back at that old relationship and just wonder what the hell I was thinking. Why did I put up with that shit? You can't be in a relationship where you can't trust the person. You don't want to be in a situation where anytime she gets a text, or anytime she's on her phone you wonder if she's having an intimate conversation with another guy. That'll just drive you crazy and make you miserable.
I've been there, and I feel like this relationship is just asking to end.
You're kind of right dude. How old are you two? Early twenties? You've been together five years, if you aren't ready to marry her tomorrow than the relationship has lasted it's course and it's time to think about what you want
Thanks for the reply.
It's of course easily said to "cut your losses" if you're not in the relationship. Also this has been with the same guy the whole time and not several (thank god).
When did I say relationships don't take work? I never said that. What I said, and maybe you should bother properly reading, is that you ought not to have to go to UNREASONABLE measures to gain someone's trust and commitment. Why should a relationship work if one person is doing all the leg work? If that's the relationship you are in, you should not be in that relationship. You need to find someone who reciprocates efforts and treats you how you treat them, in the most positive sense.
If you're treating them out to $200 a week on dates and they put nothing forward, then why should you pursue that? If you tell them that they look nice and they can never return the favor, then why should you ever be motivated to put them up on a pedestal? That's ridiculous and it's toxic.
Two people are responsible for a relationship ship. This young gentleman is asking for advice on what HE can do to help his relationship.
They are both to blame. If she isn't getting what she wants it is her job to bring it up to him to find a solution. But I'm not here to say 'she's a fucking slut and you should toss her' because I do t fear rejection from women like these guys who throw around terms like alphas and betas
I mentiined nothing about putting a pussy on a pedestal. I said work on your relationship, start fucking her good, and see where that goes.
Going through someone's phone and starting fights is not the way to salvaging a relationship
I know what committed relationships are like (as I mentioned, I was engaged once and went through the military to help support us, helping put her through college before myself). I know what it's like to give everything just to see it all crumble away. Fuck, I know what it's like to have the entire ducking world blow back up in your face from this shit, so I'm trying to give you wisdom here (it's why you're on /adc/, after all).
And yes, it's not easy to cut-losses. I went through months trying to get her back before I learned about how often she cheated on me. I thought it was once, but the 8 years we were together, including with my best friends and family. That's when I finally broke it off. I went through a lot chasing a woman who gave zero fucks about me. Ever since then I've dropped any woman who I find out has some other romantic interest or "made a mistake." I don't regret how I handle things because it's saved me another major heartbreak if I put that same level of insane conmitment into them. One day I'd like to think that people like us will find the person we deserve
Attraction is normal, and it doesn't mean she loves you any less. She is seeking the excitement of the early moments of a relationship in someone else, which is pretty awful but happens when things aren't great with your partner. I don't think she'd even act on it.
Confront her. Tell her that you are sorry for going through her phone, but that you were suspicious. Tell her that you're not mad for what you found out, but if she cares about you and about your future together she should drop that friendship and work on the relationship.
Try to bring the honeymoon phase back.
Text her more. Ask her about her day and compliment her. Ask her out on dates. Surprise her with flowers and other little things. Have better sex with more foreplay, and have it more often. Tease her. Plan things together.
op shouldn't just ignore a huge red flag like this, you're supposed to be the #1 guy in her life, the fact that she texts a random dude more than she ever texted you says something, also don't listen to the cucks, they are the guys who create threads like "my gf is cheating on me, but i love her, wut2do?"
It's like you guys are the two voices inside my head, kek.
The heart of the issue is indeed should the relationship be salvaged. Right now I'm thinking that I should try, because I might regret it afterwards. As she has not physically cheated and just emotionally, I'm thinking that I should try to fix the emotional relationship.
Tips are of course very welcome and the arguments around the "cut your losses" solution as well.
Dude, it's up to you. I've had chicks positively freak the fuck out after going through my phone and I was perfectly happy with them and wasn't even thinking of cheating.
You gotta take into consideration that the shit you see has no context. Harmless flirting looks like cheating when it's on a phone
Yeah, treating a woman like you care about her is total beta/cuck bullshit, right? shes obviously interested in someone else simply because she's a good for nothing whore, right, alpha anon? Jesus Christ
Why are you assuming op doesn't already treat her like he cares about her?
Some people develop feelings for others. There is nothing inherently wrong about that. It's when they nurture those feelings behind the back of the person they are with, and actively lie or withhold things from them which becomes a problem. Throwing more attention at them doesn't solve that problem. At best it will just mask the symptom.
Because I'm not a fucking teenager and flirting with other people is harmless and fun.
Oh, anon, using terms like alpha and beta and cuck, but you aren't okay with harmless flirting? Sounds like someone is a sensitive little guy who fears rejection and hides behind a big man persona
There's a drastic difference between showing appreciation for someone and inflating their ego just so they can give you the time of day. The fact that you can't distinguish the two is sad.
That's up to the discretion of the couple, really. Moreover, there are varying types of flirting. Saying that you want to fuck them is ENTIRELY different than saying that they look nice in a dress.
You have no idea what their relationship is like. Showing someone you appreciate them is not the same is stroaking their ego. After awhile you start to take the other person for granted. thats what I'm assuming is happening here
He has mentioned how the other guy would like to see her naked tanning. You think that if he's saying shit like that and she has the "tinglies" for him that she hasn't reciprocated? Get real.
sounds like the single dude is flirting a little harder than the girl in a relationship. She must be a total whore and has sent texts about gagging on his cock, obviously. How could I be so naive
I'm not using those terms. In fact I think those terms are silly.
I also think that believing that it's ok to actively flirt while in a committed relationship is naive and immature.
Sorry that this has gotten off topic about your situation, anon. I think it's pretty clear. You feel like you are putting in effort and she is flirting with this dude, and it's history repeating itself.
I think you've got a pretty good idea of what you've got to do.
Good luck. You will end up exactly where you are supposed to be
You act like it's such an outlier for people to flirt very sexually. You are delusional. There's little reason to suspect that she isn't reciprocating based on the dynamic of the situation. It's called inductive reasoning based on strong evidence to suggest the tendency. The fact that you easily dismiss it is pathetic. You must not be good with people if you can so easily ignore blatant signs. There's a reason why "reasonable suspicion" is a coined term, you fucking moron.
That's so goddamn juvenile and autistic. People aren't property. My gf was attracted to me because I was flirtatious. She liked that. It doesn't turn off because she is my gf now. I flirt with waitresses in front of her. She loves it, because she knows that it's harmless fun and I'm going home with her. Not being okay with flirting is a sign of insecurity, don't try to convince yourself otherwise.
Reasonable suspicion is just a clever term for paranoia with evidence
If he saw a text and the most flirtatious text she sent mentioned that she was in love with her boyfriend, I think you are going pretty far out there to reach your conclusion
>That's so goddamn juvenile and autistic.
That's funny. I was thinking the same thing about your post.
That's cool that your girlfriend is fine with it. More power to you. But don't think that it's an ok thing to do based on your particular girlfriend being permissive of it. Thinking anyone who disagrees with you as being insecure is just you rationalizing away your own behavior, don't try to convince yourself otherwise.
'Very little reason to suspect that she isn't reciprocating'
Besides the fact that anon went through her texts and didn't have any evidence that she did.
i understand the whole absence of evidence argument as well, but maybe you can give this girl benefit of the doubt, she sounds a lot more loyal to whatever whore burned you in your past to make you distrust all women
If he had a feeling that something was wrong and went through her phones (which was mutually agreed was OK) and found out that he was right, then subconsciously, you know something is up.
He saw one text. Based on experience, the dynamic she and her side-man share (including sexual flirtation), how would it not be reasonable to suspect that she is reciprocating? You are moronic. That's akin to someone being at the scene of a crime when nobody else was there but there not being immediate evidence to convict them. That's why there's something called INVESTIGATION, which he did and found out that he was being sexual with her. OP hasn't disclosed all of their texts. Maybe that's the only one he saw. You think it's SOOOOO impossible that she wouldn't be flirting sexually back?
I hope nobody ever takes your advice.
Wow dude, you got a bit of a chip on your shoulder.
And all you're doing is assuming and adding terminology. 'Sexual flirtation' ayy lmao. You are definitely on the spectrum buddy
All you've done is ignore the argument and replace any basis of a refutation with name-calling (ad hominems). You see, at least when I call you an idiot, it's because I have a basis to what I'm saying.
So yes, nobody should listen to you. You don't give any reasons for anything. I don't even recall you giving a single piece of advice.
after what i've personally been through, i'd know it was in my best interest to bail. i wouldn't be too concerned over bringing up why or not. she's developing feelings for him while you sound like a great guy. my gf did this because she took me for granted, was always less immature, and the second guy she did this with she slept with behind my back. not to cheat but because she was waiting for the right time to dumb me because we became long distance after a few years and she had to move. ffs, i wish i left at the time you're questioning to here
Both of these are close to what I think. In a nutshell, she's letting this other guy know she's available if he wants to invest the time to lure her away. "I'm confused" is an invitation for him to help her become unconfused. She loves OP but.....
You obviously have little idea of how people really function other than spouting ideology. It's not an issue communication will resolve.
Although this sounds great when rekindling a marriage that's suffered through years of child rearing its a little naive when in the context OP describes.
OP, this girl does love you but it's devolving away from romantic love. 5 years is probably the 'best before' period and expiration is approaching. If not this other guy it will be another. Many marriages don't last 5 years. It's pretty normal for relationships to fizzle out from one side or both. Once it happens it's usually unsalvageable.
Truthfully I've been on both sides of this guys problem. I got caught doing some flirty texting that to me meant nothing, and I've dated girls and I went through their phones and have seen both harmless flirting and straight out sextinf dudes. I've gotten to where I won't even look to see who my current girlfriend is texting if she is sitting next to me. None of my business. If I'm not happy with the relationship, I don't need to find a reason to bolt.
(1) that's not me (2) if you had an understanding of vocabulary it wouldn't be "wordy nonsense." Moreover, if you actually did read (which you apparently didn't), you would see that I had gave him advice on what to do with the situation (literally the first several responses I made), and I gave reasons. The only thing I was met with was baseless claims as "refutations" (since there was nonexistent substance) and a disregard to give not only real advice, but ANY advice. Zero advice was given in your, or whoever's, poor attempt to discredit me. The conversation is in black and white.
u might be narcissistic bro.u feel u need all of her attention to the point to she has to get rid of friendships established before u two were together which can lead to big time resentment. belive it or not u can love someone too much or what u see as love she feels as prison.
you need to let her have her space and understand that she is crying for help that u obviously are blind to see.
when u argue I'm guessing u have the last word based on its her that has someone she needs to talk to about u.
u need to understand that this isn't only about u. don't u think its odd that she knows and states how she feels for u even is hanging in there staying true by not cheating and giving up her feelings to let u feel like ur getting what u need? she even hides the fact that she hides her feelings by texting behind ur back, meaning u don't trust her for some reason.
do u feel that u trust her?
>Girl wants to fuck someone who isn't you and is actually texting him to tell him that
Sorry OP, it's fucked. I'd get out while you can mate. Confronting her won't do shit, especially if you say you did it before and SHE got angry somehow. On the contrary, it'll probably make her like him more due to the 'forbidden fruit' and the fact that "things are never hard like this when I'm with Otherguy". That seems to already have happened a little.
Good luck OP. And remember, once a cheater, always a cheater!