Why is being friends with women so hard for men?
Every time it's on the table, men always have the weirdest, strongest, most bombastic reactions to it I have ever seen. It never makes any sense. But they always treat the same way you'd treat the news of your hometown being destroyed by a tsunami.
There was a guy I knew, who I really cared about, and really adored. I didn't want to be his girlfriend though. But he still meant so much to me. And I valued him above all. Being friends with him was a dream of mine; and something to strive for.
I tried to tell him that, though. I tried to reiterate that I just want to be friends. That I wanted to hold onto our friendship as dearly possible. But he always took it like I was rejecting to him. Falsely believing that I'm breaking his heart, or that I didn't care about him.
I kept trying to argue otherwise -- that I sincerely wanted to be just friends. And yet, he always took it the wrong way, and eventually walked out of my life; never to return again. In addition, he took me off social networking, and stopped returning my calls and text messages.
That was one of the most devastating things I've ever went through. To lose someone you cared a lot about, who you valued so much. To have one of your best friends, your most cherished friend, not want anything to do with you ever again. I never missed someone this much before.
There was a brief moment of hope, however. When I saw him again with his girlfriend. I was so excited, thinking that since he's preoccupied with another girl, maybe he'd want to be friends this time. Obviously, this was not the case. He kept treating me coldly, like I wasn't there. I tried to get him talking, reminding him of how much I loved our friendship, that being friends with him is, again, a dream of mind. And that he was a friend I valued more than anyone else. But he just got offended, angry with me, and told me to never talk to him again. And that was the last I ever saw him.
I don't understand why being just friends is so hard for him. I don't get why it's not an option. I really want him as a friend, just not a boyfriend. But apparently this is not a possibility for him. I just don't understand. :(
>He wants your vagina on his face.
>To him it sucks a lot that he can't have your vagina on his face.
>If he stays friends with you he will have to hear about other guys that get to have your vagina on their faces
You guys were interested in different things; he wanted a relationship, you wanted a friendship.
He probably feels burned enough by continual rejection that the idea of being friends, or even dating, doesn't feel possible anymore.
he cared about you differently. some people are mature enough to appreciate a relationship when it isn't mutual love, some arent. guys are often more desperate than girls, so i wouldnt be surprised if you run into this more than the average guy does with women
I don't get how you can claim to care about someone this much without loving them enough to date (>it's my dream to be his friend).
I care a lot about my friends too, despite gender. But if I took your approach, I would be encroaching upon some SEVERE boundary issues with them (neé people in general). That's the type of love and intimacy you reserve for those whom you're dating or married to. Not a friend, you fucking creep.
As someone else who's going through this exact bullshit, IT FUCKING HURTS. I relied on him to be a friend throughout my marriage breakdown, but as soon as my husband didn't want me anymore he turned around and said he had feelings for me.
I just wrote out a long rejection message. He stopped saying a word to me. I cannot believe he did this.
>That was one of the most devastating things I've ever went through. To lose someone you cared a lot about, who you valued so much. To have one of your best friends, your most cherished friend, not want anything to do with you ever again. I never missed someone this much before.
This is my right now Anon-kun. It really makes you feel like a scumbag. It has destroyed my self-esteem and self-confidence.
I still dream of her lips. I would do anything to befriends with them again. Also, I have so major surgery coming up and I have no friends to visit me.
It makes me question my life.
>you don't owe him nothing?
Neither does he owe her anything.
>also do you think trying to be friends with someone who's only after your pussy is a good friend at all?
Do you honestly thinking being around someone who doesn't think of you the same way makes a good friend as well?
go fuck yourself you pathetic little man
men like you make me sick and believe me the next time i reject a so called "friend" and they decide to unfriend me for that im going to laugh in their faces even harder
>I just wrote out a long rejection message. He stopped saying a word to me. I cannot believe he did this.
what else was he supposed to do?
i mean, sticking around until your marriage failed is suspect; and he is an arse for even waiting that just for the same chance of you being single again.
but this is honestly the proper reaction to when someone doesn't reciprocate your feelings. otherwise attempts to fiddle around with it can easily make things worse and worse (and trust me when I say there's no limit to how worse they can get). and usually result in the friendship crashing not only in flames over time, but with both of you hating each other's guts.
>believe me the next time i reject a so called "friend" and they decide to unfriend me for that im going to laugh in their faces even harder
this actually says more about you than it does them. you don't really sound like that great a person to be friends with. let alone date. :/
doing that alone can be too awkward for some people. and leaves constantly thinking that whatever you say, it'll just make things even more awkward for whoever's rejecting you, and making them hate/fear you for an eternity.
Have you ever been friends with someone who doesn't like you as much as you like them?
As a woman, I can tell you it's one of the worst things ever. And sticking around them, seeing them on a regular basis, makes it impossible to move on and get over. Especially when they start dating other people, which utterly destroys you from the inside and make you want to jump off a building.
This usually leaves with distancing yourself from them the only viable option you have to get away from all that. And even then, those scars never fully heal. I dread the day of seeing him again, because I know I'll be brought to complete tears in a matter of seconds. :(
This sounds pretty much like Love to me with a capital L.
Tell me, is sex just a physical thing for you? Explain to me qualities that a boyfriend of yours would have that your best friend wouldn't have? What would your best friend and your ideal boyfriend have in common.
Humour me please.
>Why is being friends with women so hard for men?
Because we are men, it's very simple.
You need to think in terms of instincts:
Our biological goal is to spread our seed as much as humanly possible, this is engineered on a very instinctual level. We cannot control it.
Unless we find you repulsive and disgusting, we will probably want to fuck you. You, as a woman, will never understand. Your instinctual objective is to be as *selective* as humanly possible so you can pump out the healthiest, strongest children possible so they can survive and thrive.
This is at the very basic level of reproduction. You will *never* have this kind of relationship that men have with each other. The only way this will happen is if the man is gay or finds you unfit to bear children which should insult you more than him not wanting to be friends, at least he finds you fit for kids.
I'm not saying this is how people think, but the chemicals in our bodies will encourage us to act this way, it's just how things are.
Deal with it, this is not going to change.
Different anon here, but define "love with a capital L"
I think you mean romantic or sexual love, Eros. She's pretty plainly describing philia, friendship.
She loves him but has zero interest in boning. This is incredibly common, and is why you don't want to fuck every friend you know.
Yeah, but her value in him is a lot more than you would commonly give for a friend. To have that level adoration for someone you claim is only a friend is weird and a boundary issue for a lot of people. And, unless you're dating them, really creepy mix-messaged.
If a friend was this into me, I would not be okay with that.
But I wouldn't cry and be heartbroken if my male friends no longer chose to talk to me. If my brother no longer wanted to talk to me I would be sad about it and let him know I will always love him but I would respect his wishes because I really have no expectation of him and we really have no commitment to each other that can truly be ended. I can't just break up with my brother because he is family and will always be my brother.
Most guys feel this way about their male friends though. We might get pissed at each other and stop talking but the relationship is different.
We DO have this kind of adoration and we feel this way about the women we love in our life and it has nothing to do with sex.
Nothing to do with sex.
My point is that the OP is in love this guy and she doesn't even realize it. She just fails to have physical sexual attraction to him. This is why I asked the question that I want her to answer.
What is different about your ideal boyfriend from this friend?
If is just sexual attraction then I am hoping she will understand that she is in fact, in love with him or this wouldn't hurt so much for him to reject her right now.
He loves her just as much as she loves him, but he clearly feels he deserves to be loved by a woman that has physical attraction to him after the OP already expressed she didn't.
THIS IS PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE for him to want in a LOVE relationship and he is absolutely in the right to seek that. You are a bad match for a relationship because your love for each other interferes with his ability to have a healthy love relationship with a woman that DOES want to have a physical relationship with him.
The OP may have polyamory tendencies while the guy in question is potentially monogomous and seeking a monogamous partner.
Remember too that polyamory doesn't necessarily mean multiple sexual partners it means multiple loves.
Because no one likes waiting around for something that may never happen. What if someone offered you a deal and the deal was everyday you enter an empty room and sit there for a certain period of time for 1 month. At the end of the month you'd receive a gift! God forbid you actually do this but if you did you'd probably spend the majority of your time trying to stay motivated by indulging yourself in a fantasy of what it could be at the end and what you would do if it was this, ect. The final day come and you're all excited to receive this amazing gift and you get a box and inside the box it says "Patience". You were rewarded with the gift of patience. Now patience is virtue and indeed is a good thing to have, but wouldn't you be mad to have spent so much time only to have your expectations crushed by the harsh truth? Would you honestly sit there and think from a constructive point of view? Nah, you'd be very upset because your valuable time was spent working towards something that wasn't going anywhere.
How do you know he only wants sex?
I would stop talking to you too if you used your pent up aggression to ventilate on me because you're " hurt". I understand it was not the right time or place to say such a thing. But come on, a "long" rejection message and you're the one hurt when he stopped talking to you.
Because you're basically saying he's good enough to be your shoulder to cry on but not your dick to ride on.
He's giving you the emotional validation you need when you need it and he's getting nothing in return.
I realize you want to be just friends with this guy, but what you're forgetting, as women tend to do, is that he has his own wants and desires too.
Your desires are incompatible, you'll never see him as more than a friend, he'll never be satisfied with that, you were at an impasse so he went his own way.
Do you get that? He didn't stick around making you feel bad, making shit awkward until you guys couldn't stand each other, he had enough sense to realize the relationship would never be what either of you wanted and cut his losses.
But, typical woman, you're all ass-flustered that he wouldn't compromise his feelings to cater to yours.
Dude sounds alpha as fuck.
>not sitting around being a woman's accessory is a sign of immaturity
>I used this guy for emotional support while my marriage broke down and then he has the audacity to want our relationship to become more intimate
Women can't be just friends if they have feelings for a guy either, but women are entitled as fuck and think everyone should change their tune to please them.
This. A thousand times this. Bros before hos. Or more accurately, women are hard to hang out with because of their fragile egos and pathological need for attention.
Fuck him!Obviously he's an immature little cunt that thought you owed him sex for being "nice." Oh no, it doesn't work that way. He was never a friend, just a slimy little sycophant trying to worm his way into sleeping with him. Good riddance he is gone. You seem like a smart and fun girl , OP, someday you will find people who appreciate you for you. Until then, pic related.
I mean.... you have to put yourself in his shoes for a second. You apparently love his companionship, his friendship, his personality and possibly his humor....but you won't give him a chance at dating...
What you're not so subtly saying is I would totally date and possibly marry you.... if you weren't so goddam unattractive
Why do women always assume relationship means sex?
Typically I become interested in a woman because I like being around her and don't want to be alone. By telling a guy that you think he's only into you because he wants to fuck you it's basically stomping on all of his feelings and emotions. Not all guys are in it for a good fuck, most just want a companion to support them emotionally. It's not hard to find a good fuck.
It's people who think all men want in life is sex and violence that are part of the problem.
if i liked a woman enough to be great friends with her, i'd usually also like to be in sexual relationship with her unless she's ugly. since sexual attraction is what typically draws my attention first of course friendship is not my primary goal when it comes to women.
How do you go from
> He has romantic feelings for her, rather than seeing her as a friend.
> He thinks you owe him sex for being nice.
But this is just some retarded narrative feminists made up. Men don't think that women owe them sex. They might point out that they have poor taste in men and should probably stop complaining about the men they get involved with until they modify their behavior, but that is a whole different thing.
Friendship and romance are entirely different things. Sex isn't the issue. Friends can easily have sex with each other just like lovers can, but lovers are not friends and if one person has romantic feelings and the other has comradery then neither will get what they want. It is better to just move on.
I'm not really interested in hanging out with a woman I have feelings for, and likely hear about how she's falling for other guys.
So in his situation I would move on and hang out with people where that isnt a concern. It's not really that complex.
People arent saying that you dingus. If it was just about sex, he wouldn't be trying to pursue a relationship.
>Why do women always assume relationship means sex?
At this point I'm starting to wonder if they want it to be true.
females are not interesting as "friends" they are inferior when it comes to exchanging thoughts and generally are waste of time during any intelectual or physical activities that males would perform with other males
this means men can only look at girls in terms of their sexuality and if this is forbidden, there's simply no reason to ever contact said female again
I don't think any same male would be interested ito having female friend with no benefits. Only exceptions are people either gay (and thus refused by the male crowd) or asexual (so they can hook up with girls they find interesting and not sexy like normal males do). There obviously are some exceptions but very rare and abnormal.
>Falsely believing that I'm breaking his heart
So you get to decide whether he's had his heart broken or not? You get to tell him how he feels?
>Guy is clearly in love with you
>You repeatedly emphasize to him how deep in the friendzone he is, utterly crushing him, even continuing after he'd moved on with his life
>I don't understand why being just friends is so hard for him
>"Why won't he be exactly the person I want him to be, when I won't be the person he hoped I was"
>Why is being friends with women so hard for men?
Thanks for lumping us all in there together after your one bad encounter.
I hate to be rude OP, but you kind of sound like a bitch. He handled the situation well. I hope him and his new gf are doing good, and that this helped you understand his perspective.
Well OP, he handled it like a fucking asshole, but I can kind of see where he's coming from.
I fell in love with a female friend of mine that I had to see every day for hours at a time, and half that time was spent alone with her. She had a boyfriend so I knew there was no way it would work out.
I don't know how strongly this guy felt about you, but my feelings for this female friend were so strong that I actually got pretty severe anxiety from being around her that often and not being able to be with her. I couldn't sleep a whole night and it was starting to cut into my grades. She never found out because I didn't tell her and I keep shit bottled up, but I can definitely see how someone would be unable to do that.
I didn't start getting over her until she left for a third world country with extremely limited internet access for a study abroad program. I went five months without seeing her and spoke to her only a few times. That was the only thing that fixed my issues.
If the guy in your story is a manchild, then maybe he's just incapable of realizing that the problem here lies with him and not with you.
>Why is being friends with women so hard for men?
I'm a guy and I'd actually like to be friend with a woman. I would get great fashion and dating advices that I can't get from men.
But it never happened cause they usually get freaked out when I talk without any filters while men are ok with it. Or, when I find someone that looks cool and I try to be clear upfront I wanna be her friend, she always overthinks it and worries about what other people will think about her hanging out with a guy.
>There was a guy I knew, who I really cared about, and really adored. I didn't want to be his girlfriend though. But he still meant so much to me. And I valued him above all. Being friends with him was a dream of mine; and something to strive for.
What you're describing there is isn't what men have as friendships. Everything you're describing is what we look for in a life partner.