So please tell me if I'm wrong, but is being 5'3" and weighing between 117-120 lbs considered fat/out of shape for a 24 year old female? My boyfriend of 3.5 years seems to think so and he believes I should weigh somewhere closer to 105 or less. He constantly makes me feel like shit about my body (he says I have a pretty face but my body is 'disgusting') when he knows I'm already incredibly self conscious of my appearance to begin with. I've asked him if he would like to work out with me so we could motivate each other, and he told me "it isn't his job to keep me motivated to look good," so obviously, that conversation sort of just drove itself into the ground.
Earlier today, he teased me about my chest (I'm a 32B--definitely nothing to be proud of), and he couldn't understand why I was upset. I mean, lets be real, my tits are clearly fucking tiny, but he claimed to be into flat chested girls when we got together so I never really thought this was an issue? I've always been made fun of for having a flat chest, but he's the one who talked me out of getting a boob job years ago and now he's reigniting that deep rooted insecurity.
We hardly have sex anymore because he's 'stressed' (this guy is currently unemployed and is taking one class this winter semester--which just fucking started today) and doesn't have time to pursue his personal goals. I know he faps instead, which normally I wouldn't care about, but it's clear he's disgusted by me and it only adds to the problem. (cont.)
I've already decided I'm going to start working out more frequently and change my eating habits and whatnot, but by the time I'm up to his definition of what looks 'ideal' in his eyes, I wanna kick him the fuck out of my house and dump him... childish, I know, but being told I'm not good enough almost every day is emotionally taxing and I honestly don't know what else to do with him.
Our relationship is incredibly toxic and unhealthy by all means, we argue probably anywhere from 2 to 3x a week and he gets in my face and throws/breaks objects around the house at least 1x a month.
I'm absolutely terrified of him when he gets angry, and I literally have to keep pepper spray on me to get him the fuck away from me if he threatens to hit or push me. He has done both in the past, and our neighbors have had to call the cops on us once because of how loud he was yelling at me and because they heard him destroying shit in my house.
He makes me feel trapped and tells me I'll never find anyone better than him... which I know is total bullshit, but my self esteem is so low that I can't get myself to just dump him.
What the fuck do I do?
sorry this was so disorganized--I just have a lot to get off of my chest.
It isn't bait.
I want to get rid of him ASAP but we live together and I feel guilty as fuck about kicking him out, even though I know I really shouldn't.
His family wouldn't be able to take him in (they're literal white trash), and none of his friends live close enough for him to continue his schooling out here. How can I tell him to get the fuck out? I'm also afraid that after kicking him out, he'd do something horrible to retaliate. I'm honestly afraid he would hurt me or my pets.
Well he's a weight snob and he's entitled to his opinion.
But, as it's a stupid ass opinion, I recommend you ignore it. Without a picture or a bmi, i couldn't tell you my own opinion with muvh accuracy, but i can give you an objective estimation.
My gf is 5' and about the same weight.
She exercises, and still has some flub, but you can see the curvature of the muscles.
I think she's sexy as hell, and not fat at all.
As for your boyfriend.
A lot of men attach their self worth and ego to their "status". If his work status is shit, he's shit. If his girlfriend status doesn't fit the media norm of " babe", he's shit. Etc.
The most common response to this kind of emasculation, is to assert themself as hyper masculine. Powerful, dominant, etc... Which is what he's doing.
Either you can do some research, try to get him to understand and reform his approach in life, or you can dump his abusive ass and find someone who isn't going to eventually beat you.
Be safe, your friends and family will help you, the people on this board will always be here if you need us.
>afraid he would hurt me if i kick him out
Legitimate fear, but what's a little bit of pain, and a call to the police, if it means you dont have to be in such a depressing, stressful, and constantly dangerous situation?
>how do i tell him?
Most importantly, are you both signed in the lease?
Call your local police station, let them know the day and time youll be telling him, see if they can have a squad nearby.
Pack all of his important stuff while he's gone at class. Sit him down when he gets home, tell him youre breaking up, and he has until the end of the month to pick up his stuff. Record all of this if you can.
Bake those piggies that were watchin out for you some cookies.
Gah, I'm too insecure to post a pic... But according to whatever BMI calculator I used, my BMI is 20.7? I'm not really sure how accurate that is, though lol
My bf was a NEET when I met him, and it took him an entire year just to work up the energy to find a job and go back to school. My family and I have supported him long enough and honestly, I'm tired of having to mother him and sit through his selfish tantrums. Thank you for your insight, though. I think he does feel inferior to other guys his age, actually, I'm sure of it, and I never thought about it affecting him that way.
True. Actually, we're both living at my dad's place (he's gone all week and is only back on weekends so we basically have the house to ourselves... it's a long story) so he isn't tied down to any payments or anything legally. He doesn't even pay rent, but the last time I tried to kick him out, he claimed that he legally has 30 days to be 'evicted'... I'm pretty sure he's full of shit since he doesn't pay rent or anything, but I could be wrong. Also, what doesn't help is that he doesn't have a car.. He borrows mine, so he pretty much has no way of getting anywhere if it weren't for me, so I don't know how he'd even get out of here in the first place.
You sound quite clued in to be honest. I think you've got the right idea anyway. All of the things you said are what I eventually learned up till this age (I'm 24 also) in my relationships, red flags and whatnot.
Yeah get /fit/ as fuark. Make this your strength then fucking dump him on his ass left to wince in the light of your resplendent form.
I'll leave the other anons to advise on how to kick him out. Informing people and/or the popo seems like a sound idea.
re: 30 days to be evicted. Yeah it is bullshit, if he doesn't pay; he has no rights as a tenant. You can do whatever the fuck you want.
>no rights as a tenant
No contract, no rights. You could change the locks and put his shit on the curb if you wanted.
Sounds like he's come a long way. I'll assume he has at least one great big throbbing thing going for him that you thought he was worth all this effort. One thing I've learned though, is that you cannot go into a relationship thinking that you have to change them. 100% of the time, that has ended in an abusive relationship for me. He needs to do this shit on his own, not because you tell him to.
I believe thats smack dab in the middle of healthy for women. You're supposed to have more than men, it helps with your ovulation or some shit.
>living with dad
After reviewing the new info, get that faggot a storage locker, put his shit in it, give him the key, pay for a month. He can work the rest of his shit out.
Alternatively, this is the perfect moment for an ultimatum. Work out exactly what you want to say. Make sure he knows that he has two options. Stop bring a pos, or get kicked to the curb. Do this while your father is home, let him know whats up. If your bf starts acting up, slide across the table the price and location printout for a storage facility for his stuff. He needs to be shocked.
>I'm tired of having to mother him and sit through his selfish tantrums.
Alright, you. I've been there done that and I'm going to tell you right now, right fucking now that that will N E V ER change. NEVER. He will never stop feeling entitled to you, how you look, and how he lives. He will always throw tantrums when he doesn't get his way. Here is my advice.
1. Tell others that you're worried he will hurt you. This is very important, because it gives you more options/help.
Doing it yourself without warning anyone might get you strangled because he will blame everything on you and see you as the reason his life is garbage.
2. Kick him out. He has no legal rights as he never paid or signed anything. I suggest having your father tell him and having multiple people home at and around the time he has to leave.
If you have locks on your doors, now is the time to start using them whenever you sleep. Remember, sleeping is when your guard is down the most. Don't let someone who's potentially violent ever have the chance to catch you unprepared/unconscious.
3. DISREGARD ANY SHIT HE SAYS ABOUT YOUR WEIGHT. You are of healthy height and weight-in fact, we're the same there as well. I'm also 5"3 and 120. We're fine dude. and literally ANY guy or person who says shit about your weight when you're already skinny is a legitimate fuckhead with mental issues.
They probably just want to keep you feeling like garbage so that you never realize how amazing you really are and go find someone better. Its just fear on his end. Fear that you'll find someone better than him. So he shames you and makes you feel lesser. Don't buy it.
It's fucking textbook and it'll never fucking end. Never. Do you want that for the rest of your life? Then stop wasting time. Also, never love anyone else if you don't love yourself first. Because predators will see your self-hatred and pick you for that reason.
That anon is very right about point 3 and saved me writing something similar. Your bf is projecting his failings and disappointment in himself onto you. Do not tolerate this any further. The anon is right, it will never change.
The very next time he does this you say "I have had enough. I want you to move out as soon as possible." If this is too scary do it when your dad is there or with friends or police present.
Do not then discuss further. You will insulted and berated as he processes it but he has to accept he has to go. If possible stay with a friend for a few days and tell your neighbours, your dad and the local police. Especially tell the police you are in fear of violence and retaliation. It's their job to protect you.
I speak harshly because it's simply true and dancing around it would only put you in harms way for much longer.
Please understand. Don't take anything about this lightly.
An abuser is an abuser whether it's mental, physical, or both. What he wants is to keep you feeling down and guilty so that you allow him to continue in his ways. You think you're in control, in this thread you sound confident..but what happens in person? It's different, isn't it? You cry sometimes, don't you? It hurts. Accept that you're nowhere in control as much as you think you are. As long as you're still obeying his commands by hating yourself and leaving him in that house with you, he is the one in control. All he has to do is scare you/call you fat and you'll buzz away, he wins.
And understand that picking at yourself...this is something abusive men look for. You're showing weakness. You come off as easy to manipulate, desperate to feel loved. Unexpecting to ever get it-and then if you do get it you'd do anything to keep it. Well, that's jackpot news to them. All they have to do is sweep you off your feet for a few months and then once they're in a good spot, call you names and beat you because they know you'll never leave. You're too weak and you'll think they're the best you can do. This is why it's dangerous to go into relationships emotionally vulnerable as a woman.
There is nothing wrong with you or how you look. Take back and own the power that comes with loving yourself.
Fyi, not op.
Yeah. Been going for her to break up with him from the getgo. I'm just using neutral language.
I didn't say point 3 was wrong, I've already mentioned similar things in previous posts. It's the packaging I'm taking issue with.
didnt even read the whole thing.
drop his sorry ass right now.
he's not doing anything with his life so he comes down on you to make him feel better. i have no sympathy for these people, and neither should you.
get in shape regardless and 32B is far from tiny. :)
OP here, sorry, it was almost 4am by the time I replied last and I fell asleep.
I already told him he needs to keep his grades up or get out because he's doing horrifically in school. Our agreement was if he failed half of his classes, he'd be kicked out. Last semester, he got two C's and an F, and for one of those C's, he barely passed by the skin of his teeth. It just blows my mind that I've had to threaten him over his grades for him to keep up with school... He also had the nerve to tell me to 'ask him if he did his homework' every day, and I immediately shut that idea down and told him to either set a timer on his phone or have his mom call him and ask him, cuz I wasn't about to subject myself to that bullshit.
Looking back, I never got into this relationship telling him to change... but he's incredibly dependent on others and clung to me as a parental figure or something since his own family was lacking in that... maybe I'm just interpreting it wrong, but either way, I know for a fact I'd rather live alone than put up with his crap.
1. I've told my friends already but not my family. They love him, but I'm sure the instant I tell them what he's been doing/saying, they'll tell him to fuck off. It's just a matter of timing.. And growing the balls to do something about it. I'm better off just having friends at the house when it happens, cuz my dad is passive and doesn't really stand up for me when shit goes down.
2. If I lock the door to my bedroom when I sleep, he freaks the fuck out and is a dick to me whenever I see him again in the morning. Besides, I don't think he'd be enough of a pussy to try anything while I'm asleep... But it definitely got me thinking that he very well could if he got angry enough. He's literally unpredictable. (cont.)
3. That's exactly how I feel about myself. At most, I probably do need to tone up a little, considering I don't work out at all, but I don't think I need to drop 10 pounds to look 'skinny' when I already am... Throughout high school, I had issues with bulimia, so hearing him say that I'm fat/out of shape is incredibly fucking damaging to me. I've always been insecure as hell, and my ex before him was an emotionally abusive piece of shit also, and my current bf went into this knowing where I came from. I'm just really good at picking out the fucking winners.
I think I'm going to let him fuck up just one last time before I kick him out. I mentioned earlier that I'd have to wait to have my friends hanging around when it happens, because frankly I don't trust him enough to be alone with him whenever this happens. He has used self harm in the past to try and manipulate me, but it's gotten to the point where I stopped giving a fuck about his cutting (he hasn't cut in probably about 2 yrs now) and I don't take his suicide threats seriously. If he was going to kill himself, I think he would've done it a long time ago, and honestly if he ever follows through with it, I want nothing to do with it. It sounds shitty, but I'm just fucking drained from all of this. I don't even have time to worry about myself because I'm constantly fretting over his issues.
It's already been mentioned, but that wasn't me. I agreed with pretty much everything that anon was saying. Again, I just need to stop being so scared of him hurting me in order to follow through with any of this and I need to learn how to shake off any guilt. I know for a fact he's going to accuse me of 'ruining his life' when he gets kicked out, but I think 3.5 years was more than enough time for him to figure his shit out.
That's the thing! I sympathize with him too much. When I kick him out, he's going to be losing a lot more than just his gf and a place to live. He'll have no means of reliable transportation (he could take the bus, but he's a self proclaimed elitist and doesn't like public transportation), he literally has nowhere to go (his only friend who lives in the area who could take him in has a roommate who hates him, otherwise he's shit out of luck and has to move either 45 mins away to a diff city where his other friend is, thus making him unable to get to college), and he's pretty obnoxious when it comes to working/finding a job. He literally can only hold a job for 1 yr max before he quits and says he "can't handle it anymore." He's a wannabe musician and pours all his time, energy, and money into this hobby of his that's literally going no where. I know none of these things should be of my concern, but I can't help but feel guilty for taking that all away from him. I'm fully aware of how stupid that sounds, and I'm trying to find ways around feeling bad for him, but I can't really seem to figure that out.
>I think I'm going to let him fuck up just one last time before I kick him out.
Bad idea. That one last time is never the last time. If you're almost resolved, start biting the bullet and building your "safety net" for kicking him out (the aforementioned letting friends know etc). The sooner you get out, the better.
if you care about someone and staying with them makes you miserable, you aren't being fair to you or them. seriously, if it's not healthy to be together in this way, it isn't something you should fix. he's not an okay person. if your best girl friend had a boyfriend who did this, would you let her stay with him? you need self-respect here
I probably should have clarified, but that's basically what I meant. I'm gonna talk to friends about having them around when I finally kick him out, and I may even contact his family to come and pick him up or something so he's 2hrs away from me and won't wanna give up the effort to fuck with me.
That last one sounds like a good idea. Clear it with his family, they can press him into a "visit", then dump him over the phone and have his relatives come pick up his stuff at a later date.
I know we're both unhappy. He's told me that he knows I'm unhappy with him. So even he isn't fully blind to the fact that we're not really great for each other. I'm his first girlfriend so he's comoletely convinced he's "in love" with me, but he doesn't act like it most of the time. Again, my self esteem is complete shit which is the only explanation as to why I tolerated him for so long. By no means is it an excuse, and I know something needs to be done for both his and my sake.
The thing with his family, though, is that they're negligent and lazy as fuck. They haven't made any effort to meet my family after almost 4 years of us being together, and have flaked out at the last minute after multiple attempts. They refused to drive down even for his birthday, to give you an idea of what a lovely family they are. So basically I'd have to drop him and his shit off all at once and that wouldn't go well.
you definitely come first or equally "second" in a relationship, and by equally second i mean both partners come first. however, the latter is only the case if the partner isn't shit. like i said, when it comes to self-esteem, start out doing what you'd tell a friend to do. then you'll eventually start realizing you're worth it
>hey /adv/ I'm a girl and I have body image issues, am I too fat?
>expected to come in here seeing dozens of troll posts saying "yes"
>with smattering of "go away, attention whore"
>read the thread
>a chorus of 'no's and pages of very sensible relationship advice
You did good today, /adv/. I'm serious. This wouldn't have happened on every board.