My gf admitted to me she was raped and beaten every day for 2 years, attempted suicide multiple times and used to cut as a result.
How the fuck am I supposed to just brush that off?
Is she nuts deep down? She went to a psychiatrist for 3 years and seems pretty normal now. What red flags should I be looking for here?
>Is she nuts deep down?
If you mean she's going to burst into treats once a fortnight or so, then yes.
If you mean she'll flip out and threaten to murder you over literally nothing, then not necessarily.
If you don't think you can handle having to hold her tight every once in a while and tell her everything's going to be OK while she bawls her eyes out, please let her down slowly before she grows too emotionally invested in you.
That's the problem. We're pretty emotionally invested right now.
Also she's related to mobsters who will beat the fuck out of anyone she says, and she tried to use them on her first bf, but her father stopped her.
I found all this out AFTER shit got hot and heavy. Believe me, I would have nexted her IMMEDIATELY.
So how do I get out? I have to leave the fucking country in a year, I suppose I can give her the whole "you deserve to be happy" schpele?
In the meantime I should ratchet down the emotional stuff?
Lots of the people in here are dumb dickbags.
Let's look at this realistically. What has happened in your experience with her? How long have you been with her?
She's obviously looked for help and perhaps that has gotten her through it.
This is between you and her. Be true to your feelings. Be just to hers. Good luck.
I'm going with the assumption that she sees you as 'the light in her life, brightening the darkest of her days'. If so, using the 'you deserve better/to be happy' route won't work because she'll be like "I don't care! I want YOU!"
I think distancing yourself from her would be better at this point. Try to drift apart, be emotionally unavailable, try and make her go off you. So that when you eventually break up, if you want to do so, she won't be quite as devastated.
I'll be perfectly honest: I was a girl who was abused and hence got unhealthily attached to my boyfriends. It took one guy to act like a dick towards me to actually let go of a relationship.
I dated a guy who tried to dump me after three months. Not gonna lie, I threatened suicide; I was desperate, I needed someone to love and someone to love me. So he reluctantly agreed to keep dating me because, well, who wants to have to explain that their ex died because of them?
Not long after that, he started ignoring me. Not completely blanking me, but if I tried to start a conversation by text or whatever, he would cut it short in the same way that teenagers shrug their shoulders and grunt. It was quite subtle, yet it started to piss me off. Conversations became increasingly less meaningful and fun.
Eventually I became more independent. I couldn't rely on him for emotional support and I didn't expect him to. One night (a few months after he tried to break up with me) he was playing board games with some friends and rudely didn't invite me to join, so I sat in his room playing vidya. The next day I had a go at him, and he broke it off. Instead of bawling and begging, I was like, "Oh yeah, well fuck you, cunt". Sure, I cried tonnes later, but I realised some time after that this was calculated, right after the first attempt at dumping me.
By all accounts, he was a clever bastard, I'll give him that.
It certainly worked for me. I ended up almost disliking the guy at the point of our break-up. Considering I was madly in love with him to the point of threatening my own life if he left me, I think he did well to actually make me think it was a good idea to part ways.
Did you like this girl until she told you about her past? Was there any reason to abort up til now?
I'd say treat it like the opening up that it was, girl trusted you with some serious shit. The society we live in is incredibly damaging to women's psyche and if you're looking for one without issues, you're going to have a long wait and a lot of dissapoint ahead of you. Yeah, yours has more than most, and may need a shoulder to cry on once in a while, but if that's the worst of it, why jump ship this early?
He lost months of his life with this strategy. Should have just let you go and tell your parents and maybe get you locked up in a mental hospital for your own safety.
@OP jump ship, unless you want to end up in jail or worse.
Oh no OP.
We can all tell you to run, run, run, because we dated girls like her and they ruined our lives-
But it's too late for you. She's already ensnared you- this poor girl! Such a hard life! If anyone deserved to be happy, it's her!
So you'll date her for a year or two, get hurt really bad, and learn what to watch out for next time
I'm a dumb dickbag because I don't want him to grow up and be a bitter 34 year old alcoholic with a $40,000 a year alimony payments due, 80 hour work weeks so he can pay the alimony, and a kid he never gets to see?
OP SNAP OUT OF IT FIND A NICE GIRL! SHE WILL CHEW YOU UP AND SPIT YOU OUT!
TO REITERATE: YOU MAY THINK 'HEY THIS IS BETTER THAN BEING LONELY! SHE LOVES ME!'
BUT NO! IT IS NOT BETTER THAN BEING LONELY! YOU WILL BE LONELY ANYWAYS, JUST 34 AND LONELY AND WITH ALIMONY AND CHILD SUPPORT AND A KID THAT HATES YOU!
RUN FOR IT BUDDY RUNNNNN
No dude- don't you dude me. Here is some young guy, whole life ahead of him, about to make a HORRIBLE mistake, waste 10 years of life, then spend the rest of his life wishing he never met her.
If I can just save one guy it makes MY life worth it...
Unless I missed something why is she nuts? This stuff happens to too many people so while not normal it is not uncommon. Why is her reaction to feel really bad about it nuts? How would you feel/react. She has confided in you and you act like this...really. If, as others have pointed out there was no issues prior to this being discussed then you are pretty low..
Yea, I was abused as a child. I went to 7 years of therapy. Sorted shit through. Been in a functioning, healthy relationship for five years.
He knows, but we just don't talk about it. I confided in him only once just because I felt like he should know, I guess. There's nothing to really talk about anymore.
Before that, I did have many relationship/attachment/intimacy issues. But independence and personal growth just helped me get out of that.
I'd consider it a red flag if she was a user, abuser, etc. But if her life really is a lot better, she may be moving forward. Victims are only "victims" for as long as they let themselves be.
>Also she's related to mobsters who will beat the fuck out of anyone she says, and she tried to use them on her first bf, but her father stopped her.
I call bullshit on that one. Have you checked that out? Have you witnessed those "mobs" beating shit out of anyone ever?? I believe not.
Raped girls have a tendency to lie about a lot of stuff in their lives. It's not that they're morally bad, it's just that their experiences brought them to such behaviors.
You have to VERY rational in your decisions right now. Are the qualities of the girl good enough to cancel out all the red flags? Remember that if it was you who was depressed/having issues, she would probably take no time to leave you on your own. Women are selfish bastards in general.
My ex was exactly like that. I broke up, and I regret it every time I think of her. But it had to happen.