I was raped by two of my guy friends about a year and a half ago. Apparently they acted on an impulse and very much regret what they've done.
What they did really fucked me up, but after they apologized I was unable to stay mad at them. I still value them as my friends and I want them to be successful and happy in life. Idk why I feel this way- I think it's just easier to cope with forgiving them than to cope with holding a grudge.
At any rate, my best girlfriend knows what happened because she was the one who found me, took me to the hospital, and called the police.
The problem now is that I still enjoy being friends with these two boys, but my female friend HATES when I interact with them on any platform. She is like thirsty for vengeance, and while I appreciate her defending me, I really do enjoy my friendship with the two boys.
What is the solution here? I don't want to make my gal pal suffer by worrying about me, but I don't want to cut off my two guy friends.
what kidn of rape was this? were you all drunk and they threesome'd you without any real consent or did they tie you up and fuck you while you cried?
serious question here. in order to understand you feelings we need to understand the situation
Do you think a reasonable person would react the way you have?
I would say to you that most people would not consider your course of action reasonable, normal, or sane.
It is, I think, worth asking yourself why you currently feel this way towards your attackers.
Have you talked to any professional third parties about this?
If someone you care about is raped you always want to see the other person suffer. Not sure why this is. I was in your friend's position and felt the same exact way. My friend wanted this all to just go away and I wanted to beat the shit out of the other person.
What people fail to understand about the fact that rape is usually done by someone you care about is that the victim sometimes still cares about the aggressor. Despite being a rapists they could still be a relative, friend, etc.
If you truly forgive what they've done then that's on you and it makes you a powerful person. Your friend might just think that you're intimidated or scared of them and she's just looking out for you.
Also, finding someone after they've just been assaulted is intense. If your friend was then one who found you then you have to understand that she saw you in your most vulnerable.
They were drinking and snuck into my dorm room while I was sleeping and held me down & took turns.
Not necessarily, but I had a very close friendship with these boys before they did what they did. Maybe I'm just unable to accept the reality of what happened? And yes, I have spoken with therapists about this and they all totally judge me when they find out I want to stay friends with the boys.
Maybe. I was in a sexually abusive relationship for 3 years before this happened- maybe I'm just used to loving/forgiving people who have mistreated me?
I don't know you guys. I know my head's all messed up, but I'm happy the way I am and the guys will not repeat their mistake. Is it really worth it to "fix my mindset"? Won't that make me unhappy?
Another fucked up rationality I have: the rape was god's way of punishing me for being lustful when I was younger.
^ I know this probably sounds crazy but it is easier for me to accept this than to accept that my two close friends so completally betrayed me. They KNEW I had been in a sexually abusive relationship and that I had tried to kill myself over it- why would they rape me?? It really does not make sense- they are good guys. They cried about what they did and one of them tried to jump off a building from the guilt. I just don't understand why they would do it and then regret it so much
yeah, no you gotta get out of there. it doesnt matter what they say or do or how they act with you. if you care about them you dont have to turn them in or get vengeance, but that is not an impulse. they broke into your dorm while you were sleeping and held you down and took turns. tht is NOT what impulse is. thats premeditated and it means they WILL do it again, especially since you seemingly didnt mind it.
even if they seem sorry now, they will get drunk, horny, and bicurious enough to put you between them again.
christ the state of psychotherapy in this world is garbage. when they hear it they should be exploring your feelings. christ. ah well.
there you go. that stuff you said about feeling like you deserved it. THAT is I think important here: the reason that you are not angry and still want to be friends with them is that you feel as though you deserved it because of your inner guilt and bad feelings. Additionally I would have suspicion that you have difficulty integrating the good and bad aspects of people when you think about them.
Basically I am suspicious that you have a certain personality disorder as a result of some of your past experiences and habits. This is not uncommon.
I believe you when you say that you are happy now, and that you do not feel as though you have anything to be fixed. But I will tell you that my opinion is that you are not allowing yourself to feel what are several natural emotions about the situation such as feelings of anger, betrayal, aggression, and vengefulness that would occur in "neurotypical" individuals. It appears that you are taking refuge in masochistic tendencies and may be denying many aspects of an appropriate emotional response. You may not see these patterns as hurting you now, but I think that long term you will live a better life if you address them.
What "therapists" have you spoken to? As in, what is their professional function and level of training?
If there are any practitioners of Dialectical Behavioral Therapy in your area, I would suggest that you look into that. Any sexual abuse specialists would also be good.
What is a personality disorder? You are correct in saying that I have difficulty labeling someone as a "bad" person. I frequently try to empathize with someone when they mistreat me. I know that "just because I can understand why they did it doesn't make it okay"- but emotionally I cannot get myself to be angry at them for it because I believe that I could have done the same thing if I were in their shoes.
Okay- that is a good point. I can foresee potential long term issues arising out of this so it is worth it to seek more therapy.
I did a couple of dbt sessions (I think)? They had me hold little pulsating thingies and told me to picture things and I had some freak out emotional attacks.
It was wierd- like I suddenly felt a ton of emotion that I normally cannot make myself feel.
I stopped going to those therapy sessions because they started to make me depressed and have PTSD. I go to a top university and cannot afford to be unmotivated. I suppose I could take a leave for mental health reasons but my parents dont really understand depression as they think it is just laziness.
My mother is a wonderful woman but the last time I did the therapy she said a lot of unsupportive things like "you're such a wall flower, you need to be tougher", "why did you come home to sit and mope?", or "isn't it about time you started being productive again? You've been sitting around for days!" That just re-inforce my issues.
Thank you for your post btw. Very helpful insight.
I am happy to see that you are able to reflect upon your past experiences in a meaningful way.
It's certainly a practical consideration about your day to day function, especially if you're in school. However I would think even more long term than that. Can you afford a breakdown later in your life, or can you afford to accumulate problems and habits that you could be addressing more soon?
Of course there are the practical considerations as you have pointed out. You will have to be the one to decide what is the right time.
I am sorry to hear that your mother is not supportive of you. Perhaps it is something that you may choose to not share with her.
That doesn't necessarily sound like DBT to me, but I am not trained in DBT. Actually sounds like scientology? Please don't try scientology. Anyway if you google dialectical behavioral therapy and your location I'm sure you'll find therapists that have specialized.
For people with your (possible, probable) personality structure, an interesting phenomenon occurs: as therapy progresses you actually become depressed and unhappy. This is a necessary and transient part of the progress. Essentially the parts of yourself that have been warded off and not dealt with come to the surface. Through this process you can learn more about yourself and gain new skills and understanding.
Anyway I hope you have the opportunity to get help. Good luck!
Haha no don't worry whatever I did was a common therapy technique for trauma victims. It's traditionally done with some kind of eye movement but the pulsating thingingies evoke the same stimulation front he brain. I forget what it's called but it's some 3 letter acronym...
Yeah, I will definetly find a good time to start therapy again. Thank you!
Its not a bad thing that you dn't label people as bad. Most people are not cartoon bad-guys. The bad things people do are usually a result of their making a mistake, their ignorance or their cowardice. We can understand these things and empathise with them and we can make bad people good.
That said, what these guys did was unacceptable. You have heard them out and you understand that what they did was a mistake. If you feel compassion for them then you dont have to report it (perhaps their reaction is borne from a fear of what will happen to them rather than as a regret of what they put you through). I wouldn't continue to view them as friends though. I would avoid them. They have destroyed that friendship.
>Its not a bad thing that you dn't label people as bad. Most people are not cartoon bad-guys. The bad things people do are usually a result of their making a mistake, their ignorance or their cowardice. We can understand these things and empathise with them and we can make bad people good.
An important point, but also one should remember that there are many reasons for not seeing people as bad. This is not always due to a well integrated sense of good and bad, but can be due to a survival instinct driven habit of warding off and separating bad things from good. The human mind is rather complex indeed.
>They were drinking and snuck into my dorm room while I was sleeping and held me down & took turns.
Yeah that's violent rape. Not date rape. Not drunken sex, violent fucking rape.
Alcohol doesn't make you decide you should hold a girl down and take turns fucking her while she screams. It was 100% their own fucked up brains. Never talk to these guys again, or be ANYWHERE with them on any level.
Your friend is right, and you are acting irrationally.
>They were drinking and snuck into my dorm room while I was sleeping and held me down & took turns.
Cut ties, take them to the police, or straight up kill them and plead temporary insanity.
That's all I'd think to do
I've got to say, OP, what you're doing is extremely dangerous. Not only did they rape you, they did it on a whim: the type of motive usually ascribed to psychopaths. Your friend is right to be worried, whether or not she is hungry for vengeance (and frankly, she'd be right to be hungry for vengeance).
My question is this: what are you thinking? Have you forgiven them for raping you? Do you believe it's your duty as a friend to stick by them no matter what they've done? Do you value friendship so highly that it's worth sticking with them in order to avoid losing friends? Is there something else going on?
I do not intend to judge you. I don't have enough information to do that. But I do implore you to remember this: most saints' stories end nastily. This is not safe.
>took turns raping me
>im still friends with them
>been in a sexually abuvise relationship for 3 whole years
>been so lustful when i was younger
this is called being a slut and rape crying when non alpha men happen to get a chance inside your pants. happened to a couple of female friends of mine, too.
Again an assumption.
Nobody said they had to hold her down to fuck her. My partner is a willing participant and loves being held down.
OP hasn't said anything about any force used or objection to sex.
I have forgiven them for raping me. By forgiving them, I was in a way forgiving myself. I was able to release the guilt and anger of the event and move on. However, and many anon's have pointed out to me- I have not released the guilt and anger, I have just buried it so deep that it no longer affects me.
I guess I just want things to be back the way they were before it happened. I may be subconciously in denial, but this option provides me the most immediate comfort. Imm beginning to realize, though, that building a relationship with these boys will only make it that much harder when I do face my emotions.
I did not specify because the term "rape" implies kicking, screaming, etc.
I can give specifics if you'd like, though:
I was asleep in my dorm. I do not lock my door at night because sometimes my girl friends come in and wake me up in the middle of the night for a girl talk. this was very irresponsible of me. The building is locked to non-students and I never assumed a friend would rape me.
The lights were off and I started to wake up to someone touching me. The groping felt nice while I was still half alseep, but I heard someone speak and I got really confused. It sounded like my friends voice so I jolted away and tried to cover myself with my arms. Then someone started to pull my hair and choke me, and one of them shoved their penis into my mouth. I was struggling and trying to scream but every time I did he pushed his penis deep down my throat and choked me. I tried to bite down but he punched me in the face and broke my nose.
I didn't realize that there was another person until they tried to put their penis into my anus. It was very forced and dry, so my anus ripped. I was able to land a few punches and kicks so they took turns holding me down and keeping me quiet while the other one raped me.
they both said some really fucked up things while they were raping me that I've repressed.
>I have forgiven them for raping me. By forgiving them, I was in a way forgiving myself. I was able to release the guilt and anger of the event and move on. However, and many anon's have pointed out to me- I have not released the guilt and anger, I have just buried it so deep that it no longer affects me.
This is emotional damage, it won't go away by forgiving. If I would break your leg, no amount of forgiveness would heal it.
Have some pride, you deserve better friends, cut all the ties with them.
Those "friends" are probably acting nice, giving you the illusion of a friendship with the hope that you won't tell anybody.
can't tell because everything you described is crazy. Maybe you're crazy and just said it was rape, maybe those guys are crazy and actually raped you and you're fucked in the head. Maybe you're fucked in the head said it was rape to your friend and she believes you and has a rational response.
Honestly this is just a case of who is least crazy. And there seems to be no winners, pretty ironic comparison to how real society is today!