So, the wife and I have been married for 12 years, and over the last 5 or so, we've been having some marriage issues that have been getting worse and worse. We've both done some things that have caused the other to lose trust... neither of us have actually cheated, but we are not nearly as close, and since we've lost that closeness, we've both done some stupid things.
What I do that is dumb is that I will read her messages, hack the password to her laptop, so on and so forth, because I feel that she is hiding things from me. I know that this stems from my low self esteem, my moderate to severe bouts of depression, and my moderate to severe paranoia. 95% of the time, i don't find anything, and then, around the time I start to feel like I can back off, I find something where she says hurtful things about me, or does something that makes me feel insecure again.
I am trying to stop searching through her stuff, unfortunately, in the moment, I don't have the willpower I need to stop myself. I always feel bad about it afterwards, but that doesn't change the fact that I do it. I asked her what she would like me to do when I get the urge to start digging, and she said she would have to think about it, and that it was a fair question.
That was last Friday that I asked her, and I haven't gotten an answer yet. I've been feeling the temptation to dig again, as it's been a while since I've dug. I'm not sure how much longer I'll be able to hold out, and I don't want to damage our relationship anymore with my weaknesses.
What do you recommend, anons and femanons?
Just leave her alone. Stop searching through her stuff. Spend that time on you. Go to a gym, read a book, do anything you like or might be useful for you.
Also, try talking with her more often. Bonus points for having sex.
You already know the answer OP.
You're snooping because you're insecure and you're obsessed with knowing whether or not your wife feels the same way about you that you do (that you're a piece of shit).
So how about you just stop being a piece of shit? Make some achievements so you can stop having low self esteem. See a therapist. Get your own life on track. This is wholly on you not on her (from what you've just told us) and don't you try to blame her for shit.
Instead of violating her personal spaces and further eroding your mutual trust - which is the foundation of any relationship - you need to spend energy on improving your own self-esteem and alleviating your depression. The route you're on currently sounds like self-sabotage, and the more desperate you become (out of your insecurity) the more you are going to worry about what she thinks/says/does.
You need to cultivate your own self-value instead of thinking it lies in your relationship with her.
Bro, the best answer is to just be the best possible man.
If you have no competition, you have no worries.
My girl I'm dating now, I dicked around her facebook and easily guessed password so much I know more about her then she does about her self.
She was wild and fucking some ugly african dude, until I started dating her. Either she evolved telecommunication and might be secretly fucking him when I'm at work or she dumped his ass a year ago for me.
I don't worry about her cheating, because no kinda shitbag dude she could meet readily would give her something I don't already deliver.
>married for 12 years
>still can't talk to wife about problems
I really hope you're lying and your "wife" is really your girlfriend who you have been with for like a year or so and you are like 20, cause if not then you both are fucking pathetic.
I do try to talk to her, as much as I can. I work a night shift, so right now, we have kinda limited time to spend with each other. Hopefully, I'll be switching back to day shift soon, like, next week... That will make communication easier.
I am working on my low self esteem. The thing is, I do have a number of achievments under my belt. Most of the reasons I have the issues I have are the same reasons she has similar issues (PTSD, abusive parents, so on and so forth... my father beat me when I was younger, and he abused her after we got married. He is in prison now, and that is another story.)
While I do not feel that my issues are her fault, some of my issues are made worse by the fact that she has lied to me, and while she hasn't precisely cheated on me, there have been some times where she has done things that have bordered on unfaithful. She also has a habit of hiding things from me, things that she knows that I am not okay with, but she does anyways. Long story, maybe not for this thread.
Nope. Married for twelve years. We have five kids together, and we've both been through some shit. Everything came to a head right after our 7th anniversary, and since then, our lives have been improving steadily (better house, better cars, better job, kids getting better educations, so on and so forth), but during that time, our relationship has fallen apart. I have worked on being more attentive, and she even says I am better than I was, but I think she holds my past against me... while I try not to hold hers against her.
At work, will post as I can.
Dude I have a similar problem. I found out my girlfriend has a tumblr account where she pretends to be a slut. And she tells people she's single, that she's rich, and that she does drugs. Like wtf right? I haven't confronted her about it because it's her private stuff, but her private stuff should be my private stuff too shouldn't it? Anyways I stopped checking her page because I don't want to see that shit. If it makes her happy then whatever, I'm not going to ruin our relationship over some dumb shit. As for your wife, you should trust her enough to KNOW she would never cheat on you, so there's nothing to worry about. How about instead of haxing her accounts you buy her flowers or something that will definitely get you laid? Or, laid more often?
I think you should really consider couples therapy. You love each other but you really have communications issues. Most people who go for therapy go way too late, but if you've had problems in the past you should have already gotten over them and become closer, not drifted farther apart.
If you can't do therapy check out some self help books at the library. This marriage sounds really savable, but you've got to work through your shit, and it's going to be hard, harder than it is to read the nasty shit she says about you to her friends or whatever.
This is actually a pretty good idea... I don't know how expensive sending flowers is (I'm not rich, and kids are expensive), but I think I'm going to figure out a way to do this. Maybe order her something small off of Amazon or something, add it to a wishlist that I have shipped once a week or something.
I've considered couples therapy, but what with my night shift and the kids and all that, finding time to do that (as well as finding money, because dayum, those people are expensive) is pretty tough.
I got confirmation tonight that I am back on days as of Monday... that should make spending time together a lot easier. She can get her daily stuff done while I am at work, and we can have our evenings together.
This is the shit that has happened that OP is not mentioning in this thread but is on /b/:
>Wife and I have fucked up life.
>Dad beats and abuses me, but I have stupid family loyalty/love/whatever.
>After I get married, we have a clan thing going on.
>He abuses his position as patriarch to rape her, then keeps her silent about it with threats to me and my kid.
>Rapes her repeatedly in secret for 7 years.
>After he goes to prison, she starts keeping secrets from me about exploring her sexuality with other people, always online, though she knows it is somethig I am not okay with.
and the stuff his wife does behind his back
>Things that range from chatty whatever to malicious to borderline unfaithful.
>Husband is an asshole, whatever.
>Husband is annoying, whatever.,
>Tarot card reading about whether or not she should leave husband
>sextalk with other guys
>relationship talk with other guys
>x guy is so hot, wishes she wasn't mad at husband so she could sit in the same room as them and oggle x guy
>so on and so forth.
Maybe the reason you are insecure is because your wife doesn't make you feel secure. The best thing you can do other than couples therapy is talk to her about what you feel insecure about and why you feel that way. People aren't kidding when they say communication is key.